50 Questions to ask God this Holiday Season

1. Hows come we can’t see you?
2. How many bulbs have broken when idiots put up Christmas lights?
3. Why don’t people use their fucking turn signal?
4. Why, when I forget to use my turn signal, do people get so mad?
5. If I count to 100, how many religions can you name?
6. If your love for us was a color, what would it be?
7. Rainbows, how do you feel about those?
8. What do you want from me?
9. So, are you sure true love only comes once? I’m asking for a friend.
10. I’ve got two books on systematic theology, do I need those?
11. I think anteaters are funny, do you?
12. Do you sleep-in a lot?
13. How big is your bed?
14. When you get mad, does your face get super red like ours?
15. Who’s your least favorite and you can’t say Hitler?
16. Why do I have an appendix but not wings?
17. What’s your spirit animal?
18. Is it an anteater?
19. If you were going to write me a letter, how many pages would you need?
20. If I live for like 70 years, how long is forever?
21. Yankees or Red Sox?
22. Bourbon or vodka?
23. I cheated on my eighth grade engineering test, is that bad?
24. Would you ever secede from the union?
25. What’s your favorite boys name, and you can’t say Emmanuel?
26. Do you ever think your muscles should be bigger?
27. I’m not great at growing a mustache, can you fix that before I wake up tomorrow?
28. Can you build something you can’t move? (My college professor keeps asking)
29. I didn’t make anyone’s christmas card list again this year, does that count as sadness?
30. I turned all my book reports in on time in third grade, were you proud of me?
31. What do you want for Christmas this year, and you can’t say cash again?
32. Two trains are traveling toward each other. One leaves from Pittsburgh and travels consistently at 85 mph and alternates tracks every 10 minutes. The other is actually a plane. Math…am I right?
33. Do you believe in miracles?
34. How many government people are watching me right now?
35. Where do you live currently?
36. Is it better than the last place?
37. Whaddya think, you and me remake Cars 2, but this time we get it right?
38. I’m up shit creek, do you have a paddle?
39. Do you like Blues Brothers as much as I do?
40. If I’m a crooked stick, are you a straight line or are you more like a circle?
41. If you quit your job and did stand up for a year, what would your special be called?
42. Jimmy Fallon or Jimmy Kimmel?
43. Are you left handed?
44. The earth is bipolar … so … do you take your medication?
45. Did you ever get married?
46. My wife’s on the other side of the world isn’t she?
47. When I prayed real hard that the Pittsburgh Penguins would beat the Philadelphia Flyers in the ’97 playoffs, were you asleep in your big bed or something?
48.Can you explain the meaning of life using only bendy straws?
49. There’s a burning ball of fire in outer space that affects the seasons and pretty much everything I’ve ever thought about. Are you random or naw?
50. Dad?

Things that Don’t Suck: List Poem

Travel guitars
Red suitcases from the 80s
Really good speakers
Post it note scrawlings
Artwork from best friends
Lake houses
Small unclaimed islands
Rocky Coastlines
Giving a book away
Old barometers
Toes curling
Noses scrunching
Pond hockey
Family heirlooms
Cigar Shop indian carvings
Ships in a bottle
Handmade notebooks
Halloween skeletons
Secret handshakes
Accidental photographs
Homemade cookies
Terrible impressions
Record shops
Local festivals
Train whistles
Hulk hands
Lego pirate ships
Random keys
City skylines
Forgotten passageways
When the bass drops
Vintage instrument straps
Jeeps covered in bumper stickers
The ice cream truck song
Smoking candy cigarettes
Classic cars
Childhood sketchbooks
Words like solace
That only other people can tickle us
Coffee table jazz
Wells where you can’t see the bottom
Saturday movie marathons
Small town parades
4th of July fireworks
Log cabins in Tennesse
Drive in theaters
Trying to rap
Grandma’s house
Tiny ceramic Christmas villages
and sepia toned shoebox memories