When I feel behind

When I feel behind,
and trust, I feel that way alot,
I like to know the number of
dollars that sit in my peer’s bank account,
so I can calm myself down
with the assurance that
he is also behind.

When I feel behind,
and believe me, there is not a day
that I don’t feel that way a little,
I like to hear a new couple
arguing, so I can remember
that I only have to argue with
myself.

When I feel behind,
and Whoa Nelly! do I feel that way today,
I like to average out the number of likes
on various friends’ social media accounts
and compare it to fragility of my
own shaking subconscious.

When I feel behind,
I’m not really myself,
I do a lot of counting
and a fair bit of comparing,
but I never get ahead.

-TS

I think I found myself a cheerleader

I am at an event, set to preform at the end of the night. I sit in my chair, feet planted firmly into the hardwood, and listen. One by one, I watch other, seemingly less talented performers go before me. I judge them. I judge their diction. Their volume. Their speaking voice. Their choice of words. Their lack of flow. Their inability to memorize their material. I judge every aspect of their performance. After an hour of non-verbal condescension, I realize what I am doing.

I take a deep breath in, centering myself in the room. I am very concentrated on the pace of my breath and tell myself something:

It is not about being better or worse than anybody. It is about realizing that you simply have something to say and it is valuable.

For some of the other performers, the act of getting up on stage is like moving a mountain. Others are able to communicate the pain of past trauma to a group and receive positive feedback. I realize that too often I am playing the comparison game and competing for no reason instead of celebrating with (albeit less polished) people.

We live in a world of comparison where we compare sons and daughters to see who’s more attractive and smarter.

I want to stop trying to beat someone, stop beating myself up and give the mic a beating. As someone once told me,”Read critically, write consciously, speak clearly and tell your truth.” I want to be more of a cheerleader and less of a critic.