lowercase

There are things I am hesitant to make public. This is one of those. 

I believed for a moment today, but then it went away. “I feel this deep sense in my heart that I cannot shake,” I said to a friend and he nodded, half-heartedly listening because he was so tired. It was a flicker. A glimpse and for a moment felt warm like it might stay for a while. But it didn’t. It never does.

Then, like I do most every Wednesday, I went to a church group where the onus is placed on confession. Men confessing is like _____. I confessed that I no longer believe. That for so long I wanted to feel like god has my back, but he doesn’t. That’s why I lowercased him.

This brings me to the topic of respect. I lost that too.

I believed for a moment today, but then it went away. I have to ask myself, “Was it ever really there?”