Sealed in the ground

The hardest things to say are the most important.
(Deep breath)
I am so tired.
Every day seems like a losing battle and I’m some soldier who’s been unwillingly drafted into a war that I didn’t start, but have been told I add fire to daily.
I find myself to be loyal, but I don’t get loyalty returned to me.
Instead, I get this sadness that everyone tells me to wear like a coat, so I do.
Trudging in a foreign field with a winter coat in the summer time.
I wonder a lot of things.
Sometimes I wonder if I wonder too much;
If that sense is what’s bringing me down.
Will I ever have someone to call my own?
Will I ever have a family to read to when they’re scared of rain pounding sideways onto the windows?
Will my life end by my own hand?
I know it almost did tonight.
Hell, tonight’s not over yet.
I want to be weightless for a few reasons:
1. I want to float on by without feeling or consequence
2. I want to live where we don’t worry over things like our weight
I’m racking my brain to find things to be grateful for these days.
It’s not coming as quickly as other times in my life.
I experimented with causing myself pain today.
It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.
I’m listening to worship songs as I write this and it feels ironic.
Ironic faith.
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice…
I’m ashamed of being ashamed.
I’m tired of being tired.
I hope you can hear me because I need you to speak to me.
And I’m not talking about you Thundering Speechlessness.
I’m talking to my (hopefully existent) lovely.
In the meantime, I’m lonely while I wait for you.
Perhaps, I have nothing to be waiting for.
I guess by now I’m so skeptical, it wouldn’t come as a surprise.
When you get here, will you hold me?

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